It is the label that rings in my ears.
1. You don't follow every rule.
2. You don't stay glued to your bed.
3. You don't rest.
4.You push your body & eat what you WANT & not what you should.
5. You don't want to go to hospital for long term treatments.
6. You still travel.
7. You don't like relying on Western medicine.
When you suffer with a chronic illness there is a lot of stigma around wellness and health. That you should be doing ALL you can to make yourself better. When you condition is incurable isn't it more important to 'live' not just survive though? Enjoy life. I don't and have never believed it should be so focused on health all the time. It runs you into the ground. To me.. over the last few years especially it is more important to me to experience as much as possible, make as many memories as possible & make the most of my time.
As five years ago I didn't think I would be in this position I am right now.
I was still functioning as a 'normal' person, believing the doctors who thought I was simply 'depressed.' I went out for cake EVERY weekend with a girl pal, I would order pizza whenever I went to an Italian with all the roasted veggies you could fit on, I loved a full loaded sundae & I was trekking around America, obsessed with travel. Yes at this time I was starting to feel the effects of a life I had always known as my own. I never believed that time was so precious & not just a given.
My world & lifestyle turned upside down & inside out seemingly overnight.
I will never forget going to Light Ash Farm ( like I did every weekend ) for my HUGE slice of cake ( gosh - heaven on a plate ) & then coming home in SO much stomach pain and feeling so sick. I couldn't stand up straight. Curled in a ball my the bathroom door for HOURS.
I lived alone, so I could hide it. I could rise again and act normally. Ordering the same favourites I had always done and paying a heavy price. Making ace memories but also inside I was dying a little.
With these memories in the back of my mind. I know right now, isn't an easy or pleasant place to be. BELIEVE ME. LIFE IS AN ENDLESS battle. However, YOU have to cherish this time and do ALL you can do, whilst you can because sadly there may become a time you can't anymore.
So...
80 per cent of time. I am sensible...
I am not out in Ibiza, clubbing, drinking, eating fast food and pushing my body it that way.
But..
I do like to eat my fave foods I miss so much.
I do love travelling, because it helps us learn and we get to see the world beyond our front door.
I have one or times a year where I will have a drink or two.
I don't try a pump my body with Western medicines if I don't need too. But if I need urgent treatment then I will have too.
I don't always post about chronic illness, health or be a moaning Minnie about it. This leaves me feeling sometimes an outcast. Positivity isn't always welcome. But we have to remember we are in control of adding our colours to our own skies.
So.. maybe in some senses I am my own worst enemy. All I know is that I don't settle & want to make my life serve a purpose as well as making the girl inside happy. Who smiles on the outside but has been broken over the years.
That is where we are at now.. realising that we also are worthy, we matter & although we may feel half a person with our poor health we don't deserve any less.
I know so many of you will be the same. Feeling a sense of guilt about our attitudes & worried because maybe we don't fit the stigma. Maybe, right there is the answer. DO YOU. Feed your own soul, this is your life ( even if it isn't what you planned/wanted) , people will judge regardless. At least make yourself happy & make friends with your enemy.
If you are struggling never forget you can message me.
Sophie xoxo
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